9 years ago today, my brother killed himself. If you don't know the story, you can read my post from last year, here.
I still find the Christmas season is a very hard time of year for me. I love Christmas, but it is always bittersweet now. I find myself always trying to make Christmas "perfect". I think subconsciously, I am trying to erase the memory of what happened 9 years ago.
It has been 9 years, but it still affects me EVERY day. I have never admitted this to anyone, not even Gairod. Jade goes to sleep with her bedside light on, and then after she is asleep, I go down and turn it off. Every single night when I go down to turn off her light, I feel a little bit of panic as I open her door, fearing that she might be dead. I know that it is a totally irrational fear, but it is still there.
After my brother died, I went through all the stages of grief. I remember when I got to the anger stage, I was mad that he had ruined Christmas. I was afraid that Christmas would suck for the rest of my life, and Christmas had always been my favorite holiday. In a sense, Christmas HAS sucked every year since then. No matter how much I try to avoid it, the memory of his death is always there.
3 comments:
Oh Jenn, I'm so sorry! My father killed himself when I was 5 and I still think about it all the time!
So sorry about your dad Jennifer. It's surprising the number of people who have lost a loved one to suicide, yet you really don't hear about it very much. It's one of those taboo subjects that no one ever talks about.
I agree! There have been 2 YOUNG girls (like 12 or 13 years) that have killed themselves in our neighborhood in the past year. It's so sad!!
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