Second Step.

Yesterday, I took the second step, and told Gairod how I have been feeling.

Earlier in the week, I had suggested getting his mom to babysit, and going out for Wing Night at a local restaurant. He said we couldn't afford it. I was pissed. I realize that he has been majorly lacking work lately, and we really don't have any extra money to spend, but in my opinion, spending $50 on dinner, is an investment in our marriage. Not to mention the fact that he has been spending a lot of days down at his brother's shop, working on little projects, and they go out for lunch EVERYDAY.

We haven't been out since Sage was born, almost 5 months ago. Although she is no longer sleeping through the night (I will do a post about THAT later!), she is still steadily eating and going down between 7 and 7:30pm. So theoretically, if we left at 8pm, and made sure to be home in a few hours, she would be fine. And if she happened to have a problem, the restaurant is less than 5 minutes away, and we could just come home.

So I was mad that he, in my mind, didn't want to go out with me. I have been so down lately, that I thought maybe a change of pace and some re-connecting might help lift my spirits. Instead, I was shut down, which just made me more mad.

So again, on Friday morning, I said Let's get your mom to babysit, and we can go out for a late dinner tonight. He didn't say anything about it all day, so before I left to take Jade to Art class, I said You can figure out dinner tonight since I figured he obviously didn't want to go out.

When we got home from Art class, Gairod was making dinner. That totally crushed any last shreds of hope I had about getting to go out. I was pissed off, and I made it known. I told him it makes me feel un-loved, that he doesn't want to spend any time alone with me. He wants me to have sex whenever HE feels like it, but he isn't willing to do something I want to do (go out for dinner) in return. He said We CAN'T go out alone, we would have to bring Sage. I said No we wouldn't, I wanted to go for a LATE dinner, at 8pm, so that all the kids would be in bed!! He said Oh. A few minutes later, he got up from the table while I was wiping kids off, and went into our room. I looked at the phone in the kitchen, and the "in use" light was on. A little while later, when I was changing Sage, I popped into our room, and hit re-dial on our phone. His mom's cell number came up. He had called his mom, to see if she would come over later to babysit. I KNEW that was what he had done. Now I was even MORE mad!!

I didn't want him to take me out on a pity date, because I guilted him into it. I wanted him to take me out because he WANTED to spend time with me.

Sure enough, at about 7:50pm, I was folding clothes in our room, and Gairod came in. Get ready to go he said. Why? I said, playing dumb. Because my mom is coming to babysit, so we can go out and spend some time together. I didn't want to go. I had a headache, I was mad, and I just wanted to curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and make the world to away for awhile.

I told him I didn't want to go out on a "pity date". He said it wasn't a pity date, he had it planned all along, he had called his mom that morning. I called bullshit. I said I know you called your mom while I was cleaning the kids off. He said that no, he just called her then to change the time, since he was going to have her come over at 6:30pm. I still call bullshit. He made dinner for ALL of us. He had no intentions of us going out for dinner. I just left it. I didn't feel like arguing. But I was still hurt, and still mad.

So we left, and Gairod asked what I wanted to do. I didn't want to do anything. I had wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't feel like doing anything else.

Then he said it: What's wrong? And I opened up the flood gates, and let it all out.
I said I don't know what's wrong. I am going to the doctor, I think I might be depressed. I said that I have just been feeling so down, and mad, and overwhelmed, and unmotivated lately, and I don't know why, or how to make it stop.

He didn't understand.

He just kept saying Well stop feeling that way. He wasn't saying it in a mean way, but more in a way that he really didn't know what to say, and didn't quite understand, so that was the best he could come up with.

I told him that I don't WANT to feel this way, and I don't know HOW to stop feeling this way. I could tell that he still wasn't really getting it, so I just left it.

I told him, and that was the important thing.