I went to the doctor today, and he confirmed that I most likely have postpartum depression.
He said that it didn't really surprise him. With the amount of young kids I have, he said he is impressed that I have kept it together for this long!
So he is starting me on a low dose of an antidepressant (Cipralex). He said it will take several weeks to start working, so he wants to see me weekly to see how I am doing. He said I need to get more help with the kids, and that I need to take more breaks from the kids. Both easier said then done.
I feel.........I don't know. I think a part of me thought that actually going to the doctor, and getting a diagnosis would be the hardest part. That after that I would instantly start to feel better. But I don't feel better. In some ways, I almost feel worse. Now it's real. Now I have postpartum depression. Before, I could just say "if", or "maybe". Now it is a part of me.
I don't want to tell anyone. I am scared of how they will react. Will they treat me differently? Will they think I am weak, that I "can't handle" my life? All those people that told me I was crazy for wanting another baby after the triplets, that it would be too much work, too hard - will they think they were right?
I CAN handle my kids and my life. I KNOW I can. I DID for the first 4 months. Then something must have changed. I just want it to change back. I don't want to do this. I want to rewind my life, figure out what went wrong, and fix it.
I am disappointed in myself. I know I shouldn't be. Logically, I know that I can't help this, that it's not my fault, or something I am choosing. But I still feel like I should be able to handle this on my own, that I shouldn't need medication to make me feel better. I have a loving husband, and 5 beautiful, healthy children. I have nothing to be depressed about. So why am I?
I just want everything to be back to normal.
5 comments:
I feel your pain, I had postparum with Claire, it took till she was 8 months for my to actually get to the doctor, GOOD FOR YOU for going. I look back on the pictures and I think of how whacked my thoughts were... JUST know you'll get through it, and it is sooooo common.. GOOD LUCK, it does not by any means, mean that you are weak, you are strong for getting some help!
The way your Dr presented it sounds horrid! This is not something that happens b/c you have a lot of kids.. This is something that happens when your hormones/chemicals are messed up. I have no doubt you could use more support and help, you could probably use more exercize, sunshine, sleep and nutritionally balanced meals. Some things you can control.. others not so much.
Take it 1 day at a time. You realized there was an issue. You confirmed it, You are addressing it. Now you just need to let the meds work on balancing out what needs balanced. Congrats for following through!
♥ I hope you start feeling better soon! ♥
I'm proud of you. I know it wasn't easy.
I'm here for you whenever you need anything.
One day at a time, girl, one day at a time!
Jenn, I am finally reading a few of your back posts and wish I had read this before Thursday! I really care about you, and think you are so brave and wonderful for taking care of yourself.
You are an amazing, caring mom, but you must make your own health and balance a priority or your entire family will suffer. Bravo to you for facing up to something difficult and being willing to talk about it.
I'm always here for you too, for anything you need. You aren't alone! I'll keep on praying for you in this challenging time in your life. Hugs to you, friend.
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