I took one step forward this morning. I called and made an appointment to see my doctor.
I have to admit, I was scared. Actually, I was terrified. When I got off the phone after making the appointment, I started crying. As much as I want to see my doctor and find out if I am depressed, in a lot of ways I DON'T want to know.
I don't want to be depressed. I just want this to go away on it's own, and I want to feel good again. I want to feel normal. But it doesn't seem to be going away. I feel empty. I feel like I have no drive, no desire, to do ANYTHING.
For example, I ALWAYS get groceries on Tuesday mornings. It is now Thursday, and I still have not gotten groceries this week. I just don't want to. On Tuesday, Gairod let me sleep in, and I stayed in my pajamas all day. I said I would get groceries on Wednesday, after Cole's speech appointment. I dragged myself to Cole's speech, and then came home. I didn't feel like getting groceries, it just seemed too overwhelming. So I said I would get them on Wednesday night. Well, Wednesday night I still didn't feel like it. So I said I would get up early, and get them this morning. It is now almost 11am, and I am still in my pajamas, nowhere near ready to go in and get groceries.
This is NOT like me. This is NOT my typical behaviour. I am usually a get up and shower and be out of the house by 8:30am kind of person. I just feel so tired, and so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. The kids start fighting, and I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with it. I KNOW that there has to be something wrong, but I don't want to admit it.
I haven't even told Gairod how I am really feeling. I am scared to tell Gairod. I love Gairod with all my heart, but honestly, he MAJORLY lacks compassion. I could see him telling me to quit whining and snap out of it. But really, if I could, I would. I don't WANT to feel this way.
I am sorry that my blog has turned into boring, depressive, rambling, that I am sure no one wants to read anymore! But I need to get my feelings out, and I really have no one to talk to in real life.
5 comments:
I'm glad you made the appointment. Sometimes that is the hardest step.
Don't feel bad about venting your feelings - you have to get them out somehow.
I'm always here to talk to, and I mean that.
This is so brave and a step in the right direction. I have read your blog for almost a year now and during that time I has severe ppd and it took me a long time to get over it. I just wanted to say there is a light and the end of your dark tunnel right now. Hold on you made a awesome step today by calling your doctor. Good Job girl.
I'm glad you're getting checked out! I hope whatever they tell you can help! I still like reading your blog! :)
And I completely understand the lack of compassion from your husband! I think there is just something wrong with men that they can't put themselves in someone else's point of view. My husband is the same way. I hope that doesn't deter you from seeking help!
Feel proud that you took that step! It took me a long time to realize that I was dealing with bad anxiety after I had the twins. I really don't know how I funtioned. I really should have been on meds. I understand the lack of compassion you are getting.. Nothing makes you feel worse then when the one you open up to shuts you down. Hugs!
Thank you all for your comments. I am crying reading them right now. You have no idea how comforting it is to me, to know that I am NOT alone! :)
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