Memory.

You never realize how much you take your memory for granted, until you lose it.

Sunday was a bad day. In fact, it ranks right up there with my top 2 worst days ever.

It all started out normal enough. The boys had a sleepover Saturday night at Auntie Kim and Uncle Kody's house, so it was just the girls and I on Sunday morning. My mother-in-law called, to see if we wanted to meet them at the local restaurant for breakfast. I quickly showered and got the girls all ready, and we went for breakfast.

Kim and Kody were there with the boys, who were happy to see me, but not yet ready to come home. I mentioned needing to go into Airdrie and get some groceries, so Kim suggested I drop the older 2 girls off at her house, and they would all make some sugar cookies for Valentine's, while Sage and I went in grocery shopping.

This is where it all starts to get a bit foggy. I remember stopping at the bank, to put a cheque in, before taking the girls over. I kind of remember stopping at the house, to pick up my grocery list. Then I took the girls over to Kim and Kody's house.

I think this is when I fell. When I was getting out of the suburban at Kim and Kody's, I think I slipped on some ice and hit my head. But this is where I am really unsure. I am positive that I fell and hit my head, but I am NOT positive on where I did it. I originally thought I fell at Superstore, in the parking lot, but the more I try to remember, and piece things back together, the more I think I fell at Kim and Kody's. The main reason I think that that is where I fell, is because I didn't get gas in the Suburban. I needed gas, and I ALWAYS get gas BEFORE I get groceries, at the Superstore gas station. So if I was fine before I went to Superstore, I would have gotten gas before parking in the main parking lot.

Anyways, back to the story: I don't really remember taking the girls up to the door, getting back into the Suburban, and leaving Crossfield. I don't remember driving to Airdrie. I vaguely remember pulling into the Superstore parking lot. I think I got out of the suburban in the parking lot, and realized that something was very wrong. This is where it ALL goes blank for me. Apparently I left Superstore, and headed towards Urgent Care in Airdrie, which is only a few blocks away. I called my mom's house, and my dad answered the phone. He said I was crying, and asking for mom. He asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't know, but that I needed them to meet me at Urgent Care and I hung up. My mom called me back right away, and told me to pull over and that they would come and find me, but at that point I was already at Urgent Care. I do not remember being at Urgent Care AT ALL. My parents rushed over there, and my mom said I was standing in line at triage, holding Sage, looking dazed and confused. She asked me where the other kids were, and I burst out crying and said "I don't know!" I think that took several years off of my poor mom's life!! She tried calling Lorna and Durno (my in-laws), but they weren't home, they were still at the restaurant. She finally found Kody and Kim's phone number, and was relieved to find out that all the other kids were safe with them.

Now they were desperately trying to find out what was wrong with me! I didn't know where I was, what day or year it was, or what had happened. My mom said they weren't totally sure if I had fallen, because I didn't have a big bump on my head, just a small scratch. While I was at Urgent Care, they changed me into a hospital gown, took several viales of blood, and put in an IV. I remember NONE of this. The next thing I vaguely remember, is being on the ambulance. I remember a young, male, Asian paramedic, and a young girl with brown hair in a ponytail. I kind of remember asking the guy where my kids were, where Sage was, and where Gairod was. My mom said I kept asking those questions over and over, about every 20 seconds, the whole time we were at Urgent Care, so she made sure to tell the paramedics the answers before they left to take me to Foothills hospital. I think I remember asking the paramedics where we were going - repeatedly. I think I was in and out of it in the ambulance, as I only remember a few brief moments. I then remember pulling into the ambulance bay, and then it all goes blank again.

The next thing I remember, I was in a bed in the ER at Foothills. I kept looking at the date on my watch: 02/13. I kept looking at it over and over, because I couldn't make sense of it. I remember a doctor or nurse asking me what year it was, and I made a guess at 2010. She told me to guess again, and I got it right, 2011. The one thing I got bang on was my kids names - I even listed them in birth order! lol! I was in and out of it most of the time at Foothills, I felt like I was in a dream. I wasn't sure what was happening, and what was in my head. Everything was SO dream-like. Voices, sights, memories, nothing seemed real.

At this point, they still weren't sure what exactly had happened. They suggested that it could be something called Global Transient Amnesia. This is where someone suddenly suffers from amnesia, for no reason at all, and it usually remedies itself within 24 hours. But this condition usually affects people over 50, so I didn't really fit the profile. They also suggested the possibility that I had had a seizure. They sent me for a CT scan, and everything looked fine.

I kept picturing slipping, and hitting my head, and thinking "FUCK! That hurt!!" I remember my head and neck really hurting while I was at the hospital, and they gave me toradol to help with the pain. I also kept picturing my key fob over and over. I have remote start on my suburban, with a digital display key fob. I kept picturing it with a big crack across the screen, and the part where it shows if it is locked or unlocked was messed up. I guess I was picturing this in my head for a long time before I actually said something about it. My mother-in-law called my father-in-law, who had my keys. He said what I was describing was exactly how they looked! So now we were positive that I actually fell, with my keys in my hand, smashing the key fob.

By early evening I was coherent enough that they discharged me from the hospital. I guess they still weren't convinced that I just slipped and fell, since my CT scan was clear, but everything I have read says that a concussion won't show up on a CT scan unless there is other trauma to the brain. So they booked me a follow up appointment at the Urgent Neuro Clinic.

Sage and I stayed at my mom's house on Sunday night, and the other kids all stayed at Kody and Kim's house. My mom talked to Gairod that evening, and filled him in on what had happened. I slept pretty well, but still felt really spacey and out of it. Monday morning my mom took me to Superstore, to pick up a few groceries (since I never made it in there on Sunday! Haha!), and took me home. My mother-in-law brought the rest of the kids home. They were all happy to see me! Both my mom and mother-in-law stayed with us for the rest of the day, and I napped for most of the afternoon. My mom brought us back to her house for dinner and to bath the kids and get them all ready for bed. (The doctor at the hospital said I was not allowed to drive until after my follow up appointment.) My mom then took us home, so we could all sleep in our own beds.

I had my Urgent Neuro appointment on Tuesday morning. My mom took me to it, and my mother-in-law stayed with the kids. It was kind of a waste of time. The doctor was kind of a goof. He just asked me to explain to him what happened, and then he did a basic neuro exam, testing my sight, testing my reflexes, asking me about my hearing, and my sense of touch. He also tested my short-term memory, asking me to remember 5 words. I failed. I could only remember 3.

He said that everything seems normal and consistent with a blunt force trauma to the head. But due to the initial confusion in the hospital about what actually happened, he wants to send me for an EEG, just to rule out the possibility of a seizure. He also said that since my short-term memory isn't quite back, and I am still feeling spacey, he doesn't want me driving until after the EEG. He said that that should give me enough time for things to settle and get back to normal.

So now it is Wednesday. I am waiting for them to call and let me know when my EEG will be. I have been feeling a bit better each day, but I still don't feel "normal". I feel spacey, light-headed, dizzy, and like I can't really concentrate. My head and neck hurt. From everything I have read about concussions, this is all normal, and will hopefully resolve within a week or two. Gairod is hopefully going to be home today or tomorrow.

So that's what happened. It has taken me a few days to type this all out, since looking at the computer screen hurts my head more. But I really wanted to blog about it, because I can already feel some of the details slipping away. I wish none of it happened. I so desperately want to go back to Sunday morning, and start over. I can't even bring myself to think of the "what ifs". I had Sage with me, and I drove to Airdrie. And I have very little recollection of it. That scares the SHIT out of me. It all seems like a nightmare, like none of it actually happened, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think that it actually did. The thought of getting out of a vehicle and stepping on ice almost sends me into a panic attack. I can't even look at my key fob, or I start to get flashbacks and feel nauseous. I need to get a new key fob, I don't care how much it costs. I can't keep using that one.

I just want everything to be normal again. I want to wake up from this nightmare, and have everything be normal.