I went to the doctor today, and he confirmed that I most likely have postpartum depression.
He said that it didn't really surprise him. With the amount of young kids I have, he said he is impressed that I have kept it together for this long!
So he is starting me on a low dose of an antidepressant (Cipralex). He said it will take several weeks to start working, so he wants to see me weekly to see how I am doing. He said I need to get more help with the kids, and that I need to take more breaks from the kids. Both easier said then done.
I feel.........I don't know. I think a part of me thought that actually going to the doctor, and getting a diagnosis would be the hardest part. That after that I would instantly start to feel better. But I don't feel better. In some ways, I almost feel worse. Now it's real. Now I have postpartum depression. Before, I could just say "if", or "maybe". Now it is a part of me.
I don't want to tell anyone. I am scared of how they will react. Will they treat me differently? Will they think I am weak, that I "can't handle" my life? All those people that told me I was crazy for wanting another baby after the triplets, that it would be too much work, too hard - will they think they were right?
I CAN handle my kids and my life. I KNOW I can. I DID for the first 4 months. Then something must have changed. I just want it to change back. I don't want to do this. I want to rewind my life, figure out what went wrong, and fix it.
I am disappointed in myself. I know I shouldn't be. Logically, I know that I can't help this, that it's not my fault, or something I am choosing. But I still feel like I should be able to handle this on my own, that I shouldn't need medication to make me feel better. I have a loving husband, and 5 beautiful, healthy children. I have nothing to be depressed about. So why am I?
I just want everything to be back to normal.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Sleeping through the night?!? NOT ANY MORE :(
So my sweet baby girl, who started sleeping through the night at around 2 months old, is no longer doing it.
For a good month now, Sage has not slept through the night. I don't know what happened, or why she is waking up now. And when I say she isn't sleeping through the night anymore, I don't just mean she is getting up once. She is now getting up 2-3 times to eat, and usually several times in-between as well, where I have to get up and give her her soother.
At first I thought it might just be a growth spurt, but since it has been a month now, I am pretty sure that is not the problem. I don't understand why she is getting up so much. All I know is that it SUCKS!! lol! She used to sleep a steady 10-12 hours straight!! She gets up more now at almost 5 months old, then she did when she was a newborn!
A few times in the last week or so, I have resorted to just bringing her into bed with us part way through the night. We NEVER brought the triplets into bed with us, and we swore we wouldn't with her either, but the lack of sleep is killing me, and NOT helping with my already crabby mood! At least if she is in bed with us, I can just reach over and put her soother back in without having to get up and out of bed.
But I really don't want it to become a habit. I made that mistake with Jade, bringing her into bed with me when she would fuss, and then it got to the point that she wouldn't go to bed without me.
I like my space when I sleep, (Gairod and I have a king size bed, and we sleep on opposite edges of it! lol!) and I never sleep as good with a baby in the bed. Plus I like our bed to be for US, so that if we want to cuddle we can, and there isn't a kid in the middle. Our bedroom is one of the only kid-free spaces in our house, and I would like to keep it that way! lol!
Anyways, I would really like to figure out WHY Sage is getting up so much, and HOW to make her stop!!
For a good month now, Sage has not slept through the night. I don't know what happened, or why she is waking up now. And when I say she isn't sleeping through the night anymore, I don't just mean she is getting up once. She is now getting up 2-3 times to eat, and usually several times in-between as well, where I have to get up and give her her soother.
At first I thought it might just be a growth spurt, but since it has been a month now, I am pretty sure that is not the problem. I don't understand why she is getting up so much. All I know is that it SUCKS!! lol! She used to sleep a steady 10-12 hours straight!! She gets up more now at almost 5 months old, then she did when she was a newborn!
A few times in the last week or so, I have resorted to just bringing her into bed with us part way through the night. We NEVER brought the triplets into bed with us, and we swore we wouldn't with her either, but the lack of sleep is killing me, and NOT helping with my already crabby mood! At least if she is in bed with us, I can just reach over and put her soother back in without having to get up and out of bed.
But I really don't want it to become a habit. I made that mistake with Jade, bringing her into bed with me when she would fuss, and then it got to the point that she wouldn't go to bed without me.
I like my space when I sleep, (Gairod and I have a king size bed, and we sleep on opposite edges of it! lol!) and I never sleep as good with a baby in the bed. Plus I like our bed to be for US, so that if we want to cuddle we can, and there isn't a kid in the middle. Our bedroom is one of the only kid-free spaces in our house, and I would like to keep it that way! lol!
Anyways, I would really like to figure out WHY Sage is getting up so much, and HOW to make her stop!!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Second Step.
Yesterday, I took the second step, and told Gairod how I have been feeling.
Earlier in the week, I had suggested getting his mom to babysit, and going out for Wing Night at a local restaurant. He said we couldn't afford it. I was pissed. I realize that he has been majorly lacking work lately, and we really don't have any extra money to spend, but in my opinion, spending $50 on dinner, is an investment in our marriage. Not to mention the fact that he has been spending a lot of days down at his brother's shop, working on little projects, and they go out for lunch EVERYDAY.
We haven't been out since Sage was born, almost 5 months ago. Although she is no longer sleeping through the night (I will do a post about THAT later!), she is still steadily eating and going down between 7 and 7:30pm. So theoretically, if we left at 8pm, and made sure to be home in a few hours, she would be fine. And if she happened to have a problem, the restaurant is less than 5 minutes away, and we could just come home.
So I was mad that he, in my mind, didn't want to go out with me. I have been so down lately, that I thought maybe a change of pace and some re-connecting might help lift my spirits. Instead, I was shut down, which just made me more mad.
So again, on Friday morning, I said Let's get your mom to babysit, and we can go out for a late dinner tonight. He didn't say anything about it all day, so before I left to take Jade to Art class, I said You can figure out dinner tonight since I figured he obviously didn't want to go out.
When we got home from Art class, Gairod was making dinner. That totally crushed any last shreds of hope I had about getting to go out. I was pissed off, and I made it known. I told him it makes me feel un-loved, that he doesn't want to spend any time alone with me. He wants me to have sex whenever HE feels like it, but he isn't willing to do something I want to do (go out for dinner) in return. He said We CAN'T go out alone, we would have to bring Sage. I said No we wouldn't, I wanted to go for a LATE dinner, at 8pm, so that all the kids would be in bed!! He said Oh. A few minutes later, he got up from the table while I was wiping kids off, and went into our room. I looked at the phone in the kitchen, and the "in use" light was on. A little while later, when I was changing Sage, I popped into our room, and hit re-dial on our phone. His mom's cell number came up. He had called his mom, to see if she would come over later to babysit. I KNEW that was what he had done. Now I was even MORE mad!!
I didn't want him to take me out on a pity date, because I guilted him into it. I wanted him to take me out because he WANTED to spend time with me.
Sure enough, at about 7:50pm, I was folding clothes in our room, and Gairod came in. Get ready to go he said. Why? I said, playing dumb. Because my mom is coming to babysit, so we can go out and spend some time together. I didn't want to go. I had a headache, I was mad, and I just wanted to curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and make the world to away for awhile.
I told him I didn't want to go out on a "pity date". He said it wasn't a pity date, he had it planned all along, he had called his mom that morning. I called bullshit. I said I know you called your mom while I was cleaning the kids off. He said that no, he just called her then to change the time, since he was going to have her come over at 6:30pm. I still call bullshit. He made dinner for ALL of us. He had no intentions of us going out for dinner. I just left it. I didn't feel like arguing. But I was still hurt, and still mad.
So we left, and Gairod asked what I wanted to do. I didn't want to do anything. I had wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't feel like doing anything else.
Then he said it: What's wrong? And I opened up the flood gates, and let it all out.
I said I don't know what's wrong. I am going to the doctor, I think I might be depressed. I said that I have just been feeling so down, and mad, and overwhelmed, and unmotivated lately, and I don't know why, or how to make it stop.
He didn't understand.
He just kept saying Well stop feeling that way. He wasn't saying it in a mean way, but more in a way that he really didn't know what to say, and didn't quite understand, so that was the best he could come up with.
I told him that I don't WANT to feel this way, and I don't know HOW to stop feeling this way. I could tell that he still wasn't really getting it, so I just left it.
I told him, and that was the important thing.
Earlier in the week, I had suggested getting his mom to babysit, and going out for Wing Night at a local restaurant. He said we couldn't afford it. I was pissed. I realize that he has been majorly lacking work lately, and we really don't have any extra money to spend, but in my opinion, spending $50 on dinner, is an investment in our marriage. Not to mention the fact that he has been spending a lot of days down at his brother's shop, working on little projects, and they go out for lunch EVERYDAY.
We haven't been out since Sage was born, almost 5 months ago. Although she is no longer sleeping through the night (I will do a post about THAT later!), she is still steadily eating and going down between 7 and 7:30pm. So theoretically, if we left at 8pm, and made sure to be home in a few hours, she would be fine. And if she happened to have a problem, the restaurant is less than 5 minutes away, and we could just come home.
So I was mad that he, in my mind, didn't want to go out with me. I have been so down lately, that I thought maybe a change of pace and some re-connecting might help lift my spirits. Instead, I was shut down, which just made me more mad.
So again, on Friday morning, I said Let's get your mom to babysit, and we can go out for a late dinner tonight. He didn't say anything about it all day, so before I left to take Jade to Art class, I said You can figure out dinner tonight since I figured he obviously didn't want to go out.
When we got home from Art class, Gairod was making dinner. That totally crushed any last shreds of hope I had about getting to go out. I was pissed off, and I made it known. I told him it makes me feel un-loved, that he doesn't want to spend any time alone with me. He wants me to have sex whenever HE feels like it, but he isn't willing to do something I want to do (go out for dinner) in return. He said We CAN'T go out alone, we would have to bring Sage. I said No we wouldn't, I wanted to go for a LATE dinner, at 8pm, so that all the kids would be in bed!! He said Oh. A few minutes later, he got up from the table while I was wiping kids off, and went into our room. I looked at the phone in the kitchen, and the "in use" light was on. A little while later, when I was changing Sage, I popped into our room, and hit re-dial on our phone. His mom's cell number came up. He had called his mom, to see if she would come over later to babysit. I KNEW that was what he had done. Now I was even MORE mad!!
I didn't want him to take me out on a pity date, because I guilted him into it. I wanted him to take me out because he WANTED to spend time with me.
Sure enough, at about 7:50pm, I was folding clothes in our room, and Gairod came in. Get ready to go he said. Why? I said, playing dumb. Because my mom is coming to babysit, so we can go out and spend some time together. I didn't want to go. I had a headache, I was mad, and I just wanted to curl up in a ball, go to sleep, and make the world to away for awhile.
I told him I didn't want to go out on a "pity date". He said it wasn't a pity date, he had it planned all along, he had called his mom that morning. I called bullshit. I said I know you called your mom while I was cleaning the kids off. He said that no, he just called her then to change the time, since he was going to have her come over at 6:30pm. I still call bullshit. He made dinner for ALL of us. He had no intentions of us going out for dinner. I just left it. I didn't feel like arguing. But I was still hurt, and still mad.
So we left, and Gairod asked what I wanted to do. I didn't want to do anything. I had wanted to go out for dinner. I didn't feel like doing anything else.
Then he said it: What's wrong? And I opened up the flood gates, and let it all out.
I said I don't know what's wrong. I am going to the doctor, I think I might be depressed. I said that I have just been feeling so down, and mad, and overwhelmed, and unmotivated lately, and I don't know why, or how to make it stop.
He didn't understand.
He just kept saying Well stop feeling that way. He wasn't saying it in a mean way, but more in a way that he really didn't know what to say, and didn't quite understand, so that was the best he could come up with.
I told him that I don't WANT to feel this way, and I don't know HOW to stop feeling this way. I could tell that he still wasn't really getting it, so I just left it.
I told him, and that was the important thing.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
One step forward.
I took one step forward this morning. I called and made an appointment to see my doctor.
I have to admit, I was scared. Actually, I was terrified. When I got off the phone after making the appointment, I started crying. As much as I want to see my doctor and find out if I am depressed, in a lot of ways I DON'T want to know.
I don't want to be depressed. I just want this to go away on it's own, and I want to feel good again. I want to feel normal. But it doesn't seem to be going away. I feel empty. I feel like I have no drive, no desire, to do ANYTHING.
For example, I ALWAYS get groceries on Tuesday mornings. It is now Thursday, and I still have not gotten groceries this week. I just don't want to. On Tuesday, Gairod let me sleep in, and I stayed in my pajamas all day. I said I would get groceries on Wednesday, after Cole's speech appointment. I dragged myself to Cole's speech, and then came home. I didn't feel like getting groceries, it just seemed too overwhelming. So I said I would get them on Wednesday night. Well, Wednesday night I still didn't feel like it. So I said I would get up early, and get them this morning. It is now almost 11am, and I am still in my pajamas, nowhere near ready to go in and get groceries.
This is NOT like me. This is NOT my typical behaviour. I am usually a get up and shower and be out of the house by 8:30am kind of person. I just feel so tired, and so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. The kids start fighting, and I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with it. I KNOW that there has to be something wrong, but I don't want to admit it.
I haven't even told Gairod how I am really feeling. I am scared to tell Gairod. I love Gairod with all my heart, but honestly, he MAJORLY lacks compassion. I could see him telling me to quit whining and snap out of it. But really, if I could, I would. I don't WANT to feel this way.
I am sorry that my blog has turned into boring, depressive, rambling, that I am sure no one wants to read anymore! But I need to get my feelings out, and I really have no one to talk to in real life.
I have to admit, I was scared. Actually, I was terrified. When I got off the phone after making the appointment, I started crying. As much as I want to see my doctor and find out if I am depressed, in a lot of ways I DON'T want to know.
I don't want to be depressed. I just want this to go away on it's own, and I want to feel good again. I want to feel normal. But it doesn't seem to be going away. I feel empty. I feel like I have no drive, no desire, to do ANYTHING.
For example, I ALWAYS get groceries on Tuesday mornings. It is now Thursday, and I still have not gotten groceries this week. I just don't want to. On Tuesday, Gairod let me sleep in, and I stayed in my pajamas all day. I said I would get groceries on Wednesday, after Cole's speech appointment. I dragged myself to Cole's speech, and then came home. I didn't feel like getting groceries, it just seemed too overwhelming. So I said I would get them on Wednesday night. Well, Wednesday night I still didn't feel like it. So I said I would get up early, and get them this morning. It is now almost 11am, and I am still in my pajamas, nowhere near ready to go in and get groceries.
This is NOT like me. This is NOT my typical behaviour. I am usually a get up and shower and be out of the house by 8:30am kind of person. I just feel so tired, and so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. The kids start fighting, and I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with it. I KNOW that there has to be something wrong, but I don't want to admit it.
I haven't even told Gairod how I am really feeling. I am scared to tell Gairod. I love Gairod with all my heart, but honestly, he MAJORLY lacks compassion. I could see him telling me to quit whining and snap out of it. But really, if I could, I would. I don't WANT to feel this way.
I am sorry that my blog has turned into boring, depressive, rambling, that I am sure no one wants to read anymore! But I need to get my feelings out, and I really have no one to talk to in real life.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The BEST Valentine's Day gift!
Tomorrow, Gairod is giving me the BEST Valentine's Day gift EVER!! He is going to take the four "older" kids ice fishing for the day, and leave me at home with ONLY Sage. For the WHOLE day!!
I am SO excited! I feel like I REALLY need this break right now, even though today was actually a good day. I plan on doing NOTHING but hanging out with my baby girl ♥. It is going to be so weird, yet nice, to be able to "pretend" I only have one kid for the day! It's one of those "Hind-sight is 20/20" things, where when I only had one kid, it seemed hard, but now that I have five kids, one is going to seem SO easy! :)
I am SO excited! I feel like I REALLY need this break right now, even though today was actually a good day. I plan on doing NOTHING but hanging out with my baby girl ♥. It is going to be so weird, yet nice, to be able to "pretend" I only have one kid for the day! It's one of those "Hind-sight is 20/20" things, where when I only had one kid, it seemed hard, but now that I have five kids, one is going to seem SO easy! :)
Friday, February 12, 2010
On the Edge.
I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff, and trying to decide whether or not to jump off.
I don't know if it is postpartum depression, winter blahs, or just me being overly dramatic. But whatever it is, I just want it to go away.
I just feel crappy. I have to force myself to get out of bed and start the day. I just want to sleep and forget about life for awhile. I don't want to make meals for the kids, do the dishes, do the laundry, do ANYTHING. I want to lay on the couch and waste the day away.
So far, I am still managing to do the basics, but it is a constant struggle. I have to force myself to do what I KNOW needs to be done.
I realize that I am majorly putting myself out there by typing all of this. I actually felt sick to my stomach after I posted "Drowning", and considered deleting it - a few times. But this is MY blog, and I NEED to get my feelings out. If you don't like it, don't read it. I don't want people to judge me, or think I am a psycho. I assure you I am not. I am just an ordinary mom, who is really struggling right now.
I don't know if it is postpartum depression, winter blahs, or just me being overly dramatic. But whatever it is, I just want it to go away.
I just feel crappy. I have to force myself to get out of bed and start the day. I just want to sleep and forget about life for awhile. I don't want to make meals for the kids, do the dishes, do the laundry, do ANYTHING. I want to lay on the couch and waste the day away.
So far, I am still managing to do the basics, but it is a constant struggle. I have to force myself to do what I KNOW needs to be done.
I realize that I am majorly putting myself out there by typing all of this. I actually felt sick to my stomach after I posted "Drowning", and considered deleting it - a few times. But this is MY blog, and I NEED to get my feelings out. If you don't like it, don't read it. I don't want people to judge me, or think I am a psycho. I assure you I am not. I am just an ordinary mom, who is really struggling right now.
Things that make me smile :)
The other day I was getting the kids to say their whole name, just cause I think it's cute!
Me: "Kadance Emily Begg"
Kadance: "Kadance Emily Begg"
Hayden: "Hayden Choo-Choo Begg"
Me (laughing!): No, "Hayden THOMAS Begg"
Hayden: "Yeah, Hayden Choo-Choo Begg!"
Cole: "Me want to be Choo-Choo!"
Me (still laughing!): "No, you are Cole Scott Begg"
Cole (pouting): "Noooo, Cole Choo-Choo!"
Me: "Kadance Emily Begg"
Kadance: "Kadance Emily Begg"
Hayden: "Hayden Choo-Choo Begg"
Me (laughing!): No, "Hayden THOMAS Begg"
Hayden: "Yeah, Hayden Choo-Choo Begg!"
Cole: "Me want to be Choo-Choo!"
Me (still laughing!): "No, you are Cole Scott Begg"
Cole (pouting): "Noooo, Cole Choo-Choo!"
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Just some pics :)
Here are some pictures of my sweet little bugs! :)
Sage playing in her exersaucer!
Our new table - it seats 8!
Kady-Bear ♥
My sweet little Hayden ♥
I love Cole's huge smile ♥
My big helper ♥
Bath time for Sage ♥
Sage playing in her exersaucer!
Our new table - it seats 8!
Kady-Bear ♥
My sweet little Hayden ♥
I love Cole's huge smile ♥
My big helper ♥
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sage's first time swimming :)
Last weekend (January 30th), we took Sage swimming for the first time! :)
All of the other kids LOVE swimming, and we usually try to go about once a month or so, but we hadn't been since before Sage was born!
Jade was invited to a birthday party at a pool, and the mom said that we were more than welcome to come as well, and bring ALL the kids - so we did!
The water was quite cold, and I thought for sure Sage would cry when we first dipped her in, but she didn't - she liked it!
We were going to take them all swimming again this past weekend, but Cole and I have pink eye, so we figured we better not go spread it to everyone else in the pool!
All of the other kids LOVE swimming, and we usually try to go about once a month or so, but we hadn't been since before Sage was born!
Jade was invited to a birthday party at a pool, and the mom said that we were more than welcome to come as well, and bring ALL the kids - so we did!
The water was quite cold, and I thought for sure Sage would cry when we first dipped her in, but she didn't - she liked it!
We were going to take them all swimming again this past weekend, but Cole and I have pink eye, so we figured we better not go spread it to everyone else in the pool!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I thought I would put up some pictures of my babies to help cheer me up. So far, today is a good day. I am feeling MUCH better than I have for the last few days.
Gairod and I had Chinese food and watched a movie last night. That helped.
Today, Gairod's brother Kody is going to watch the triplets for a few hours, while Gairod, Jade, Sage, and I go to the "Boat and Sportsman Show". That will help.
I think sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the daily grind. Sometimes I feel like I work and work and work, and nothing is ever accomplished. My house is a mess, my kids are brats, and I start to wonder what the point of it all is? What am I doing it all for? Why can't I do it all better?
Gairod and I had Chinese food and watched a movie last night. That helped.
Today, Gairod's brother Kody is going to watch the triplets for a few hours, while Gairod, Jade, Sage, and I go to the "Boat and Sportsman Show". That will help.
I think sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the daily grind. Sometimes I feel like I work and work and work, and nothing is ever accomplished. My house is a mess, my kids are brats, and I start to wonder what the point of it all is? What am I doing it all for? Why can't I do it all better?
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