The BEST Valentine's Day gift!

Tomorrow, Gairod is giving me the BEST Valentine's Day gift EVER!! He is going to take the four "older" kids ice fishing for the day, and leave me at home with ONLY Sage. For the WHOLE day!!

I am SO excited! I feel like I REALLY need this break right now, even though today was actually a good day. I plan on doing NOTHING but hanging out with my baby girl ♥. It is going to be so weird, yet nice, to be able to "pretend" I only have one kid for the day! It's one of those "Hind-sight is 20/20" things, where when I only had one kid, it seemed hard, but now that I have five kids, one is going to seem SO easy! :)

On the Edge.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff, and trying to decide whether or not to jump off.

I don't know if it is postpartum depression, winter blahs, or just me being overly dramatic. But whatever it is, I just want it to go away.

I just feel crappy. I have to force myself to get out of bed and start the day. I just want to sleep and forget about life for awhile. I don't want to make meals for the kids, do the dishes, do the laundry, do ANYTHING. I want to lay on the couch and waste the day away.

So far, I am still managing to do the basics, but it is a constant struggle. I have to force myself to do what I KNOW needs to be done.

I realize that I am majorly putting myself out there by typing all of this. I actually felt sick to my stomach after I posted "Drowning", and considered deleting it - a few times. But this is MY blog, and I NEED to get my feelings out. If you don't like it, don't read it. I don't want people to judge me, or think I am a psycho. I assure you I am not. I am just an ordinary mom, who is really struggling right now.

Things that make me smile :)

The other day I was getting the kids to say their whole name, just cause I think it's cute!

Me: "Kadance Emily Begg"
Kadance: "Kadance Emily Begg"

Hayden: "Hayden Choo-Choo Begg"
Me (laughing!): No, "Hayden THOMAS Begg"
Hayden: "Yeah, Hayden Choo-Choo Begg!"

Cole: "Me want to be Choo-Choo!"
Me (still laughing!): "No, you are Cole Scott Begg"
Cole (pouting): "Noooo, Cole Choo-Choo!"

Just some pics :)

Here are some pictures of my sweet little bugs! :)

Bath time for Sage ♥

Sage playing in her exersaucer!

Our new table - it seats 8!

Kady-Bear ♥

My sweet little Hayden ♥

I love Cole's huge smile ♥

My big helper ♥

Sage's first time swimming :)

Last weekend (January 30th), we took Sage swimming for the first time! :)

All of the other kids LOVE swimming, and we usually try to go about once a month or so, but we hadn't been since before Sage was born!

Jade was invited to a birthday party at a pool, and the mom said that we were more than welcome to come as well, and bring ALL the kids - so we did!

The water was quite cold, and I thought for sure Sage would cry when we first dipped her in, but she didn't - she liked it!

We were going to take them all swimming again this past weekend, but Cole and I have pink eye, so we figured we better not go spread it to everyone else in the pool!

I thought I would put up some pictures of my babies to help cheer me up. So far, today is a good day. I am feeling MUCH better than I have for the last few days.

Gairod and I had Chinese food and watched a movie last night. That helped.

Today, Gairod's brother Kody is going to watch the triplets for a few hours, while Gairod, Jade, Sage, and I go to the "Boat and Sportsman Show". That will help.

I think sometimes I just get overwhelmed with the daily grind. Sometimes I feel like I work and work and work, and nothing is ever accomplished. My house is a mess, my kids are brats, and I start to wonder what the point of it all is? What am I doing it all for? Why can't I do it all better?

Drowning.

I feel like I am drowning. I don't know why, or how to make it stop. I feel like I am desperately clinging to the edge of a pool, trying to keep my head above water, but there are weights on my feet, pulling me down.

I feel like I am sinking lower and lower into a depression. I have never been depressed before, but I imagine this is what it feels like.

I have no desire to do anything. I would like to just lay in bed all day and snuggle my baby. It is all I can do to muster up the energy to get the kids dressed and fed.

I don't want to feel like this. I have been TRYING to get myself out of this funk, but nothing seems to be helping. It seems the harder I try to get out of it, the farther I fall back into it.

All week I have tried to get out and do things, hoping to snap myself out of it. But I honestly feel like I am faking it when I am outside of the house. As soon as I get home, I am back to being grumpy and angry. I am snapping at the kids, and then I feel bad about getting mad at them, which make me feel even worse.

I don't know what my problem is, but I so desperately want it to go away.

Amazing.

Yesterday, I read the most amazing blog post ever.

http://enjoyingthesmallthings.blogspot.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

Lonely

I think part of my problem lately, is that I am lonely.

Ever since I was a kid, I have always felt like I was constantly trying to fit in. I recently read a blog where the lady said that when she first moved to town, she felt like people were friendly with her, but not friends with her. That is EXACTLY how I feel!! The only problem, is that I have lived here almost all my life, so why don't I have any friends?!

I have never had a bunch of friends. When I was in school, I had a few close friends, and a bunch of people I was trying to be friends with. I have never felt good enough, never felt like people could actually like me, for me.

Now, as an adult, I DO have a couple of close friends, but they are busy moms like myself, and they don't live in Crossfield. So it is a bit of a pain, and definitely takes some planning, to get together. We usually still manage to get together quite regularly, but it seems like since having Sage, and with it now being winter, we have hardly gotten together at all in the last several months. So I am lonely.

I don't really know WHY I don't have any friends in town. I grew up here, moved to Airdrie for a couple of years, and have now been back here for 5 years! It's not like I don't know anyone, there are lots of ladies I go to MOPS with, go to playgroups with, and that I see everyday in the school yard when I am picking up Jade. But for some reason, none of them are friends with me. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I am younger than a lot of them, or because I have triplets, or because I have 5 kids, or because we don't live in the "nice" part of town! I really don't know, but it bugs me.

There IS one lady in town who I seem to be developing more of a friendship with. She has 2-year-old twin girls, and we have known each other for awhile through our multiples club. We see each other every week at playgroup, and we have started to get together for playdates. It's nice to be able to drive 2 minutes to a playdate, as opposed to driving for 30-40 minutes!

I just want a friend. Someone to talk to, to vent to, to complain to. Someone who WON'T judge me, and will be a shoulder to cry on. Someone to complain about my husband and kids to, and who won't think I am crazy for having 5 kids, and still wanting one more! Someone in town, who I can call up and say "Hey, I'm having a crappy day, bring the kids and come over for a coffee!" Is that really too much to ask for?!?!

Bitchy

I don't know what my problem is, but for the last several days, I have been SO bitchy! Over the weekend I was picking fights with Gairod, and I have had absolutely NO patience with the kids!

I actually took a pregnancy test over the weekend, because I thought maybe that was the problem! lol! I get VERY moody in early pregnancy! I have also been more tired than usual, and somewhat crampy, with a sore lower back - ALL pregnancy symptoms for me. BUT the test was negative, so I don't think that is the problem, unless I am really early. It IS a slight possibility, since we have only been using protection about half the time ;)

Maybe I am PMSing. I have only had one real period since Sage was born, and since then I have just had a few episodes of light spotting for a few days. I am pretty sure I have not been ovulating.

I don't know what my problem is, but I do know I am tired of being in a bad mood all the time!